we thank you for your children

Here’s how to breed psychopathic, inefficient indigo children that cannot save themselves from the world. It’s not that hard. Parents are bitter people — their children make them vengeful.

Be deadly unreliable. Make a promise and break it. Make five promises and break them all. Destroy a child before an important event. Humiliate it before its society peers. Muffle it in bandages when it needs to urinate. Force it into anxiety. Hit it. Then sue it in court for hitting back.

Bathe the child, shower the child, clothe the child. Rub between its cheeks with your hands in the shower, help it clean out its eyes, nose, and every orifice. Teach it to fight between shame and identity. Teach it to lose. Tell it how to be a successful exhibitionist. Teach it to burlesque before its own children at breakfast with the family. Corner it in the bathroom. Turn on the cold shower. Be armed – wear earmuffs and an eskimo suit. Rape your child with a nearby shampoo bottle. Rape it in the anus, in the genitals. In the case of male try and fail at raping a penis. Rape its mouth, its ears, its eyes. Make a blind, deaf child with no urges – now you have a servant. Corner it into shame. Force its slick childish genitals into erection. Be kind – make shame it’s first best friend. Then force them to hold hands, to kiss on the mouth, to urinate in the public floors of shopping malls.

Force it to drink mouthwash. Show it how to masturbate at the age of five. Show them again at ten. Teach it that hair is sexual power. Tell it to never shave. Don’t give it razors. Force it to shave with a scissors in dark, eerie corners of the house. Teach it to listen to your footsteps as your climb up to its room. Teach it to fear you standing behind, teach it to be afraid of you pushing down the stars. Feed it drugs, but pretend its fish. Put alcohol in its milk bottle at five. Pray it dies but be incensed it doesn’t.

Give your child mass, give it inertia. Make it heavy and slow and plodding and stupid. Make it attached to stupid things, don’t let it see the real values. Blind children are better than those that can take revenge. One small mistake will not be forgotten by an intelligent child. Begin the program before it’s too late. The threat of pain is stronger than pain itself. But don’t be selfish. Give it plenty of pain too. Teach it to gurgle when sticking wet fingers onto switches and into plugs. Let it suck nails, let it swallow blades. There is a wonderful internet where videos of people eating fire come free, and children begin learning by imitation. The lesson should proceed – complete with matches and a room saturated with gas. Keep a fire extinguisher close by you. Save the child, force it to love you. Grab its conscience, twist its guilt into its gut. Blow away the flames only after half its face has been melted off. Draw out the lines of melted flesh with permanent marker. Send it to school with a surplus of hate and a conflict of the self.

But most importantly, deny the child any way out. Let it near no tall ledges, never bring it to the mountains for vacation. Keep it close by in crowds — let no one but you rape it. Keep your kitchen knives, be careful with the blades, watch the oven, don’t let the baby stew too long in its bathwater before a nice fright. Better yet, half-drown the child at birth. Teach it to be terrified of water. Teach it to fear you, but let it fear death more. It would be tragic to lose a plaything you laboured nine months for.