intrusive thoughts / a homeric trial

I close my eyes and can feel as my heart – in fear – trills like a songbird and a heavy hand begins to beat itself angrily upon the insides of my ribs, impacts bearing the chest to thrusting wildly into itself, whiplashes all the way up the spine ripping intercostal muscles and in blows destroying breathing mechanisms –– a heavy thud that collapses first the right lung, then the left one, the fingers are clawing grotesquely through the muscle of the heart, nails like teeth are gnashing and gnawing into my heartstrings –– they give in a strum, and the blood pools into the ventricles and cools –– the flesh forgets to keep itself warm, the hand twists wonderfully and wrenches down into my diaphragm, perforating it with firm twists so the whole bank of blood and organs, already fluid and limpid -a runny mass pulled new from a system of tubes and carbuncles- comes pouring recalcitrantly over the guts and to the ground.

To all :
Merry christmas to you. If you’ve stuck around, I’m glad you’ve stuck around – and if you’re reading this, I’m glad for that too. Thank you for tolerating my bilge and drivel – thank you for finding value in it, or even the tiniest masochistic sense or jouissance that prompts you to read anything i write. This is one more gratitude you can add to your (hopefully tall) heap this Christmas. I’m sorry if anything i’ve ever presented here is upsetting or immature or absurd or (horrors) ineffective, but I’m glad you’re reading enough to find out. Please say something (comment box in the computerised pants of every page here) and know that I’ll appreciate it, sick attention-hungry acknowledgement-needy fool that i am. Merry Christmas to you!